Banana Hammock
by Carlisle Bella and the Banana
Summary: Bella and Edward have had sex for the first time. A very concerned Carlisle makes Bella a house visit bearing a pregnancy test, a birth control shot, condoms and a…banana! Based on Hide and Drink by Savage


**Penname: Mariamaral & StAngelS (collaboration)**

**Title: Banana Hammock**

**Summary: Bella and Edward have had sex for the first time. A very concerned Carlisle makes Bella a house visit bearing a pregnancy test, a birth control shot, condoms and a…banana**!

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns the characters, and the main plot belongs to Savage. **

**Contest : Carlisle, Bella and the Banana**

Banana Hammock

"I'll be in my room." I called over my shoulder already on my way up the stairs, dragging my duffle bag with me.

"Hmm-hmm." Charlie mumbled from his usual spot on the couch, his attention on the game playing on the flat screen as usual.

I entered my room and sighed. I was worried about Edward, I promised I'd call and it had already been a few days. I was afraid that my lack of contact would send him over the edge and he would disregard my pleas to stay at the cabin and not come to Forks. If Alice's visions of what could happen if he stopped by hadn't scared me so much, I think I wouldn't have been opposed to a quick visit. God I miss him. I miss his touch, his smell, his presence.

I plopped down on the bed lying on my back, staring at the ceiling. Images of his long cold fingers grazing my body flashed through my mind and I felt my body starting to react. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that my first time would be so good. Edward was so attentive and gentle. Knowing that he could break me with a twitch of his fingers, he controlled himself. Just to pleasure me. Gah!

I rolled to my side and pushed my face into a pillow, letting out a muffled scream. My insides were tingling and contracting just thinking about him. I couldn't wait for Charlie to get out of the way and turn in for the night so I could call him. I needed to hear his velvet voice again.

I was lost in thought when I heard little tapping noises coming from my window. My heart started racing and I jumped out of bed, to go see what, or who it was. I already had a suspicion that a certain vampire could be out there, despite our agreement. What I found when I got to the window was nowhere near what I expected. It was a vampire alright, but not Edward. I opened the window and whispered to the form perched on a tree branch outside.

"Dr. Cullen! What are you doing here?" I knew he could hear me clearly.

"Good Evening Bella, and please call me Carlisle. I'm sorry to bother you; I know you just got back from your trip." He offered me a kind smile and my heart stammered in my chest. How did they do that?

"It's alright, it's something wrong? Where's Edward?" After the initial shock of finding Edward's father outside my bedroom window wined down, my head started running wild with thoughts of why he was here.

"No Bella, nothing's wrong. Edward is…the same. He really misses you, but he's managing." His word choice didn't feel right to me but I let it slide for the moment.

"Could I come in?" He waved with his free hand that wasn't holding a small black medical bag, which I just realized he had with him.

"Of course." I stepped aside to make room for him to easily slide his lean body inside. "I'm sorry to keep you outside; I was just caught by surprise." I fidgeted nervously on my spot while he took a quick look around; suddenly he turned to me with a serious expression.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, crossing his hands in front of his body, still clutching the medical bag.

"I'm alright," I answered cautiously. I had no idea what he was getting at. He sighed and ran his hand through his golden hair. It reminded me of Edward and a small smile crept its way on my lips. He looked around again, and I fought the urge to slap myself from being such a klutz with no manners whatsoever.

"Would you like to take a seat?" I pulled out the chair of my computer desk. I knew vampires didn't have to sit down because they don't get tired but he seemed to be nervous and I thought he'd be more comfortable to do whatever it is he came here to do or say. I guess I was right because after another dazzling kind smile he accepted the chair, but not before pulling my old rocking chair and motioning for me to take a seat in front of him. I walked over with shaky legs and took my place.

"Bella this is a house call. I came as a concerned parent, and a doctor," he started to say. My brows furrowed in confusion, but before I could express it he took a deep breath and started talking again.

"It has come to my attention that you and Edward have been intimate." He looked pointedly at me and waved a hand in my direction. His medical bag placed on his lap.

"Yes," I answered in a small voice; my blush was so fiery that it was tingling the roots of my hair. "but how did you.." I point back at him. I didn't know much about the dynamics of a vampire family. Edward wasn't even speaking to Carlisle and now he knew about our sex life? I had to have a word with Edward about this.

"Alice," was his simple answer. My mouth hung open as I imagined the Cullens sitting around the unused dining table discussing mine and Edward's relationship. I had to have a word with Alice about this too. At this point my blush had descended to all my body, I felt so hot that I had to remove the hoodie I had on.

"Please Bella. There's no need to feel embarrassed." He placed a cool hand on top of mine. The feel and the temperature reminded me of Edward again, and calmed me down a little.

"Think of me as a doctor now, and not Edward's father." I smiled when he acknowledged Edward as his son. He noticed and smiled back at me.

"Okay," I sighed. "What's your concern Carlisle? I have to tell you that Edward was very considering and…gentle." If I didn't know better I might think I had a fever, I was burning up from embarrassment. Carlisle shifted a little in his seat and albeit his cool demeanor and expression, I'd be willing to place a bet that this was uncomfortable for him too, it made me feel slightly better.

"I'm sure he was Bella. If there was any one of our kind who could pull it off it would be Edward."

"Why?" He lost me again.

"It's not easy for a vampire to be in such close contact with a human. Even a vegetarian vampire. When we are having… sexual relations, our animal instincts take over, the same happens when we're hunting. It's very hard to fight the urge to take down a prey." He smiles sadly. "Edward has always been the most strong willed of our family; I don't doubt he can do anything when he sets his mind to it." He spoke of Edward with pride and a tang of sadness.

"So it's not very common, humans and vampires….sexual relations." I awkwardly whispered the last part.

"No, it's not. At least not ones where the humans remain alive." He cringed at his own words.

"That's why you came? To check if I'm alive?" I asked, but I already knew it couldn't be just that. It had been a few days since we had sex.

"Yes, you can put it that way." He stopped talking and got a far away look on his face. I guess he was focusing his hearing to check on Charlie, because he started again shortly after.

"The way I understand it, when you and Edward…consummated your relationship." I cringed and he noticed. "I'm sorry for my choice of words; I'm just from a very different time." I nodded my understanding and he kept going. "You didn't use any kind of protection?" He stated as a question. My blush that at that point had subsided came back in full force as I shake my head no.

"I see." He looked down at his bag for a while. "Bella, since it's so unusual for this kind of exchange to happen between a vampire and a human, I don't really know the risks that it could imply, when it's done without any kind of protection."

"Do you mean, me getting contaminated with his venom? Through his…" I felt like a stupid ten year old who couldn't even say sperm without blushing and having a fit of giggles. I was not even a virgin any more for Christ sake. I huffed at my own stupidity.

"His sperm," Carlisle emphasized like he's teaching a class, I wanted to die. "contains a small amount of venom, but the actual quantity that comes in direct contact with your blood through intercourse is minimum. That's not my main concern though." He sighed and rubbed his face with his hands. This was not looking good.

He opened his medical bag and retrieved a small rectangular box, handing it to me. I read the instructions on the box and my eyes grew wide. I dropped it on the floor like it was on fire. A pregnancy test! Carlisle slowly bent over and picked it up; opening my trembling hands he placed it back in them.

"It's highly unlikely that you could get pregnant from a vampire. But we do produce spermatozoids, mutant ones, that is why I don't think the fecundation would be possible, but its best that we don't take any chances." I tried hard to swallow the huge lump that was constricting my throat. The blood that a few minutes ago was flooding my face must have drained away. I felt cold, and fought hard to listen to what Carlisle was still saying through the buzz in my ears.

"In normal circumstances it would still be too early to detect a pregnancy with a home urine test like this one." He tapped the box in my numb hands. "But from what I've researched if it were to happen, a fecundation, the fetus could have an abnormal growth rate. That's why I think we can trust this result." He tapped the box again.

"You should go into the bathroom to take it. The result will be ready in a few minutes." He helped me stand with a hand on my elbow. I didn't know how I managed to get inside the bathroom or how I could read the instructions in the box through the tears that were prickling my eyes. I wanted to call Edward, but I was sure that he would freak out and end up doing something stupid. God, we were so stupid! I peed on the small stick and put the cap back on. I was supposed to wait three minutes for the result; I didn't have the strength to do it by myself so I returned to my room and took my seat.

Carlisle and I stared expectantly at the small visor, a passerby wouldn't have been able to distinguish the human from the vampire, neither of us moved a muscle. Three minutes never seemed to take longer than those three minutes. When the small minus sign showed up on the display but not the plus sign both of us exhaled loudly.

"Thank God!" I slumped back in the rocking chair, making it rock back and forth slowly.

"Yes," Carlisle whispered, relief was clear on his face. "It might be wise not to take any more chances though." I raised my eyebrows in surprise and he chuckled.

"I'm not suggesting abstinence. I wouldn't dare such a thing." He shook his head.

"Oh. What do you suggest then?" I bit my lip, feeling the blush coming back in full force.

"We'll put you on a contraceptive. Birth control." He felt the need to elaborate because I've been acting like a moron this whole time. I nodded.

"Have you ever heard of the depot shot?" he asked. I wished I had so I didn't sound so juvenile but I hadn't, so I sighed and shook my head answering no.

"It's a hormone injection that prevents pregnancy from occurring for three months. It contains synthetic progesterone and no estrogen which decreases eventual side effects."

"Injection, like with needles?" My voice trembled, and he picked up on my fear.

"Yes, Bella, but it's a really small one. You won't feel a thing; I can make it real quick. It's a better option because it's very private and you don't have to bother remembering to take a pill every day." He explained and I couldn't help but agree with him. I wouldn't know how to explain it to Charlie if he inadvertently had to discover that I was taking the pill.

"Alright, but I don't want to see you doing it. I get really sick." I explained, my voice already showing my panic.

"The shot is usually given on the arm on upper thigh, but if it makes you feel better you can turn around and I'll give it somewhere else. You won't even have to see the syringe for one second."

"Where do you suggest?" I asked already standing up. His eyes shifted from mine and I think he was uneasy for a second before his doctor's mask returned.

"On your rear," he said with a serious expression. I was mortified. Could this visit get any worse? I just shared an extremely awkward bounding experience with my boyfriend's father, of holding hands and waiting for results to a pregnancy test, and now he wants to give me a shot in the ass! I mean really? My internal debate must have been visible on my face because he was quick to explain.

"Bella, as a doctor I'm used to doing this. It's really no big deal, and the area is best if you want to reduce tenderness afterwards. I can even do it at vampire speed, you won't even notice." Edward would have our freak mutant baby himself if he knew about this. I shook my head and turned my back to him, unclasping the button on my jeans to facilitate.

"Please, just do it as fast as you can, okay?" I asked him, and prayed to God that Charlie wouldn't choose this particular moment to come into my room. That would've been a tough situation to explain. Uhm, no Charlie, it's not what it looks like. I don't have my pants around my knees and no that's not Carlisle you see standing behind me.

Carlisle was true to his words and in less than five seconds I could feel something could press against my butt cheek, to relieve the sting from the shot. I turned around assuming he was holding an ice pack or something like that, but was instantly shocked when I saw that he was soothing the pain on my ass with his cool fingers. If I don't die of embarrassment today, I don't think I ever will.

Thankfully he removed his hand not long after, and I moved to sit carefully on the bed. I needed some space between us. Carlisle didn't mind and kept going on in doctor mode.

"The effectiveness of the shot only starts after approximately twenty four hours," he explained. "In the mean time, if you and Edward plan on having intercourse, I suggest the use of other methods." He looked pointedly at me, waiting for my acknowledgment. I stared back at him blankly, there's no way in hell I would confirm or deny my intentions to have sex with his son in the near future. He took my silence as encouragement and continued.

"I'd suggest you use condoms." He looked at me again; I didn't think I was even able to blink anymore. I wondered vaguely if this could all be a twisted nightmare, but the pain on my butt reminded me it wasn't.

"Are you familiar with those?" he asked. I slowly shook my head answering no. I didn't think I could feel more like a child, even if I wanted too.

"I don't think Edward has either." He sighed, clasping his hand on his lap, deep in thought. After a while he looked back at me and spoke with determination.

"Bella, in situations like this it's better to rather be safe than sorry." He rummaged around his bag and pulled out a box of condoms with the word "Trojans" written on top of it. I figured he'd just hand me some and we could get back to our lives and forget this ever happened, but Carlisle had other ideas, he was going to torture me a little more today. He looked around the room before turning back to ask me,

"Do you have any phallic shaped objects on hand?" He asked and I blinked dumbly at him. I knew what phallic meant, I just couldn't believe he requested something like that. He thought I didn't understand and begun to explain,

"The word phallus refers to an erect pen-"

"Carlisle!" I cut him off a little louder then I intended. We both stood quiet for a while listening to our surroundings. When he was sure Charlie wouldn't come up he started talking again.

"I'm sorry for my bluntness, Bella. I'd just like to demonstrate to you how to use a condom and a phallic object would be necessary." I nodded and he looked around the room one more time.

"Oh!" He startled me. "Do you by any chance happen to have a banana in the house?" he asked excitedly from his genius idea. He looked like a teenage boy who was about to toy around with condoms for the first time, he was so excited.

"A banana?" I asked, like I had developed hearing damage.

"Yes, a banana would be the perfect example of phallic shaped food. Or if you prefer we could use a cucumber or a carrot, or a hot dog, or any kind of sausage really."

"I think I have the banana." I spoke quickly to end his phallic food rambling. A sausage would be too much for me.

"I'll be right back." He nodded as I walked out of the bedroom and down the stairs towards the kitchen. Charlie was still entertained with his game. There was a bunch of bananas in the fruit bowl. I looked at them trying to decide which one to bring. I didn't want to insult Edward's masculinity to his own father by comparing him to a small banana. Not that any of them could compare to his size. I blushed just thinking about it, and picked out the biggest one. As I was making my quick getaway Charlie turned his head and called to me.

"Hey kid!" Shit!

"Yes, Dad." I clutched the banana in my hand, fighting the urge to hide it behind me. That would definitely be considered strange.

"Could you toss me a beer?" he asked and I sighed in relief.

"Sure," I mumbled and quickly grabbed a beer from the fridge and placed it on a coaster on top of the coffee table in front of him.

"Thanks," he said. "Feel like a banana I see." I became scarlet and he frowned at me but thankfully said nothing. I made a quick dash up the stairs ignoring the burn on my butt.

"There you go." I handed Carlisle the banana.

"That should work fine," he said.

He made quick work of opening one of the square foil wrappers and held the round rubber between his fingers. I had returned to my previous spot on the bed. He blew on it and a small tip puckered up.

"This is the reservoir tip." He pinched the tip between his fingers. "This will hold the semen when it's released." My face was literally burning, but I tried my best to pay attention. He scoots the chair closer and asks me to hold the banana vertically for him. Oh God! I kept my eyes trained on the banana, there's no way I could look at him right now.

"You should pull back the foreskin." He wrapped his hand around the banana and stroked it down. I wanna die, I wanna die, I wanna die. I kept chanting in my head.

"Remember to gently squeeze the tip." He did as he said positioning the condom on top of the banana "Then you unroll the condom towards the base of the…banana." Jesus! "After the condom is on, you can hold onto the base and push the foreskin back towards the tip… it would provide him more pleasure." He whispers the last part. "Got it?" he asked. I nodded still with my head down.

"Just remember," he said as he retrieved the condom wrapped banana from my hands, "that it's very important that you squeeze the tip. Otherwise, if it stays filled with air it could break when he moves inside you like this." He held the banana in one hand while making a hole using his thumb and forefinger with the other. He started trusting the banana between his fingers mimicking the movements of sex and it was just too much for me.

"I've got it! I've got it! It's alright!" I shouted a little too loud again, but I just couldn't help it. Carlisle stopped and I'm sure he'd be blushing if it were possible for vampires to blush.

"I'm sorry Bella. I just wanted to be throughout so that you wouldn't have any problems," he whispered quietly and I immediately felt bad. He was just trying to help and I was letting my childish immaturity get in the way.

"No, Carlisle, it's fine. We should be thankful to have someone in our lives who cares for us like you do." I wish I could give him a hug but it's still too awkward. Thankfully he thought so too and just smiled and waved me goodbye before gracefully jumping of the window.

I sighed and plopped back on my bed on my stomach this time. I looked at the condom wrapped banana beside me, and couldn't hold it in anymore. I laughed alone, clutching my sides for minutes, tears streaming down my cheeks. I couldn't believe what had just happened here. I unwrapped the poor banana and peeled of its skin. I started eating it and moaned thinking of another phallic shaped thing I'd prefer having in my mouth.


End file.
